Bill and Vickie Roy

Perhaps one of the reasons I LOVE love is because I grew up with such a great example of it in my home! I have never once heard my parents fight. Every time my dad came home he would make a kissy face beckoning my mom to him and then kiss her while simultaneously giving her a love pat on the bum. Every night at dinner (which my mom always made) he would say, "This is the best dinner I have ever had!...Today!" My mom unfailingly supported my dad and served all of us with ne'er a complaint. They taught me marriage rocks!

The dates and details!

What are your names? 

Bill and Vickie Roy

When did you meet?

Fall, 1974

In 8 words or less, describe where or how you met. 

First day of HS sophomore English Honors 2H

What was your first date? 

Homecoming as HS juniors, 1975

When were you married? 

12/30/1981

Where were you married? 

US Air Force Academy Chapel, then Seattle Temple

How many children do you share? 

Five living, once deceased

Getting to Know You!

When and/or how did you know you wanted to marry each other?

Bill-Probably late in our senior year of high school, but maybe earlier.
Vickie- When? Look at him! Immediately! How? He made my soul happier when I was with him. I felt incomplete when we were apart.

What is something that your spouse does (something they may not even realize!) that makes your heart skip a beat and brings you joy.

Bill-Just about anything when she’s happy! For instance, whenever Vickie is with the grandkids she's happy, spontaneous, laughing and having as much fun as they are. We're love being with them, and we both are extra happy during those moments. It brings me joy! Of course, my heart skips a beat whenever Vickie does something for me, which happens all the time.
Vickie- Any act of service or connecting with me in my "realm" of duties makes my heart take a deep sigh. Plus when those brown eyes look at me with that "Tom Cruise" sparkle....

What did you love about your spouse in the beginning that you still love about them now?

Bill-Vickie is a very good listener, patient, and will follow through on suggestions. Then, she likes to celebrate in both small and big ways! She is fundamentally a pleaser and a fixer and born to serve, as she says, which I have always loved. Wouldn’t it be great if we all tried to be pleasers and fixers and born to serve in our marriage? This is an area where I (and many of us) can improve. But Vickie has nailed it. Nice!
Vickie- His quick wit, confidence, goofiness and appreciation of me.

Other than your children, what is an accomplishment you are your spouse are proud of?

Bill-We have both been strong faithful church leaders, and we always try to do a good job at whatever we do. We've made a difference to the people (usually Youth, but also RS and Primary) in the many wards we'd lived in.
Vickie- WE made an Olympic team. Have never been in debt (except for a house) and have lived the Gospel out loud our whole lives.

What is one of your favorite dates you've been on as a couple?

Bill-For most of our adult life, we liked outdoor activities and just about anything where we could do something outside our normal routine. We liked dinner/movie activities, but also family activities (camping, hiking, sports events or other events in the kids’ lives, Church/Youth activities, etc.), and also special events like ski trips or travel trips on our own, with no kids. We love motorhome trips and cruising in our later years, now that we can better afford them. We’ve enjoyed plenty of fun with activities that include other people, but we've also had a lot of fun on our own.
Vickie- I love anything outdoors. Camping, backpacking, hiking. Cruises are more than a date but a dang good series of dates! Going to Walmart is pretty good too.

What's the best gift you've received from your spouse?

Bill-A car! No actually, it was a little (2.5”) wooden tombstone that proclaimed the "little" Bill Roy was dead -- meaning that she was affirming that I could achieve much if I would just get out of my own way. Great gift that is still giving! I guess that was just a metaphor for the biggest gift: Supporting me in all my grand aspirations and endeavors. She basically subordinated her life and interests to help me with mine. Pretty cool! Did I return the favor? I'm still working on it . . . . Or maybe I'll say I'm hoping to start on it . . .
Vickie-. On my 16th birthday Bill made me a train whistle.

Why Marriage Rocks

What's one thing you love to talk about when you have nothing pressing to talk about?

Bill-We like to talk about our kids or grandkids -- their success, their struggles, their lives, future, hopes, dream, funny habits, and virtually anything else about them.
Vickie- At this point we like to talk about our past. Memories are golden. We talk about kids, grandkids. We talk about things we want to do. The best part of being married a long time is being comfortable enough to not talk. And to be able to talk about anything.

Tell us about a trial you have faced together and how you feel you were successful in overcoming it, or what you have learned during it.

Bill-Lots of out-of-town time (due to Air Force and airline and competitive shooting careers) was difficult for everyone. But we didn't let it be a huge negative element -- we focused on our work while we were apart, and then enjoyed being back together! Also, it was very difficult when we lost our son at childbirth, but we might have guessed that experience would allow us to help Krista and Billy (our daughter and son-in-law) when they suffered virtually the same loss. What did we learn? That we have the might to persevere and prevail and be stronger for our challenges. We can do hard things, and life is full of them.
Vickie- An early trial was the death of Bill's mom. We worked together as a team and have always approached trials that way. We've had a baby die and the threat of no more children. We always "do the research" on whatever faces us and then come together to create a plan and then go to work.

What makes your marriage unique?

Bill-We have enjoyed very many "big events" or accomplishments in our life that most people would view a as a wild roller coaster ride with a lot screams, thrills, dizzying moments and successes, but we see ourselves as pretty normal, down to earth, middle-class sloggers. We are grateful for every event of our lives, big or small!
Vickie- We dated for a long time before we were able to wed. We have history and that's a strength. With over 25 years of military service and a shooting career on the side we've spent a lot of time apart.

What are advantages of marriage?

Bill-I haven’t been a single adult, but my mother was a single mother and I worked with the Single Adults as a High Council member for four years, so I’ve gained a little perspective to make a credible comparison. Here are a few advantages of marriage: 1) Love! Can't beat it! 2) Good teamwork to accomplish things. 3) Kids and grandkids to hang with. 4) We both get MOST of what we separately want, and we ALWAYS get ALL of what we want together -- material, physical, spiritual things -- anything! 5) Well, great intimacy. 6) Marriage makes life's challenges much more manageable. 7) Marriage keeps you on track in so many ways. For instance, if I start to go off track, I get a correction that puts me back on track, even if it's not pleasant or fun. 8) Better health. Think about it: Better sleep, better food habits, better exercise, better engaging activities, better fun, better house, better ability to appreciate little (and big) victories, better ability to overcome difficulties, better chance to help society be sane, better focus on spirituality, better opportunities to serve, etc., etc. 9) Someone to talk to at awkward parties. 10) Our combined strengths can cover most weaknesses. 11) No loneliness, which I know can be a killer. And of course,12) The commitment inherent in a celestial marriage can't be beat! Bottom line: In a marriage happiness can be the norm, with stress as a manageable state. Without marriage, stress is often the norm with happiness as a tenuous state. That may be an overgeneralization and there are certainly many exceptions, but that’s what I’ve observed over the years.
Vickie- Commitment for the long haul and accountability. Confidence building for things eternal. Being able to be visionary.

What blessings have come into your life because of marriage?

Bill-Fantastic family. We have a great, strong family -- all believers, all strong and tough, all loving and positive, all great. They like each other, they like us. Really: almost nothing else matters.
Vickie- I know Bill has my back and I have his. Being shy by nature he has taught me how to "live out loud" with confidence. Because we know we have each other we are then able to be of more use to the Lord and help others.

What miracles have you experienced together?

Bill-Poof! We have five amazing daughters who are married to fantastic husbands and are raising incredible kids. We would like to claim some credit for that, but we know it's really just a miracle! Rare, mostly unexplainable, wonderful, precious, totally miraculous!
Vickie- Children is what comes to mind. Being alive after a close call (me childbirth/Bill fighter pilot) Tender mercies of tithe paying. Hastening of the work. Technology.

Advice

What's a practice or routine you've established that keeps your marriage healthy?

Bill-We are God-fearing church people, so many of our habits are centered around our faith. For nearly 40 years we've prayed, gone to church, and engaged in all the related activities. We also eat meals together, and do most activities of our daily lives together.
Vickie- I handle the money (it's the #1 killer of young marriages) and Bill supports that. We operate independently in a cohesive way. We have great sex.

What's one principle you think is important in a healthy marriage?

Bill-For the past 35 years I’ve been conducting a survey of happily (and a few unhappily) married couples. In those discussions I learned that the happy couples in lasting, healthy marriages have three basic things going for them: 1) They understand the importance of work; 2) They’ve built (or sometimes stumbled upon) a good working system for living together that provides both people a satisfying degree of fulfillment, and 3) They’ve fostered a relationship dynamic that rises above actions and circumstances. Let's call that dynamic “Spiritual like-mindedness”: Both partners have a spiritual alignment that is most easily created with a shared religious outlook, but not necessarily so. It's wanting, working for, and believing in the same basic important principles: shared happiness, higher cause, God and divinity, cause-and-effect, mutual respect, and hard work. Spiritual like-mindedness means that they both know what's right and what's wrong, good and bad, what can be expected outcomes of our actions, and so forth. In essence, a healthy marriage is a product of two people working together for their shared happiness, a happiness that is based in more than material things. Is that good? It's good for us!
Vickie- Realizing you're a team and being willing to put the other person first if that means the team wins. All things will balance in the end if both people have an attitude of service/sacrifice and appreciation.

What is a positive influence on your marriage when things get hard?

Bill-During most of our adult lives, we didn't fully realize when things got difficult . . . we must have thought that's how life was. We just pressed ahead, tried to make a good life and be good parents for the kids, and had big enough aspirations that we viewed problems as minor setbacks or opportunities to succeed in other ways. We haven't had many problems, or lasting problems, so we're pretty fortunate, blessed, lucky.
Vickie- at night being able to snuggle in and remember we are one and life is a roller coaster so if we just hold on we'll hit a better part of the ride soon enough. The vision gained by surviving/thriving through hard times helps us remember "this too will pass".

If you had time to talk to newlyweds, what would your greatest piece of advice be?

Bill-Put your spouse's happiness ahead of yours. That advice is most important and overrides every other marriage concept, but of course, it's dang difficult. More on that advice at the end of this section . . . . On a day-to-day basis: Don't love material things, love each other. Turn off the TV, make good friends, bear-hug your religion/beliefs (actually live those beliefs), be deeply engaged in substantive, outward-looking, good activities, do your very best at everything, and get out of the house and do stuff, especially when you have kids. If you can't master the art of putting your spouse's happiness ahead of yours, then at least shore up your "let it go" skills. Both people might be self-centered at times and then do things that might annoy the other, so remember that shared happiness can prevail if you overlook or work past those annoying moments. President Hinckley (I think) said, "Before marriage, keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, keep them half shut!" Funny and helpful. There may be times when it might be productive to say to yourself, “You can be right, or you can be married”; make your choice. And be determined to just keep pressing on! I would like to say put Christ at the center of your life and the center of your marriage, but it's probably more practicable to say "live Christ's teachings in your everyday life -- be Christlike, in other words -- and you'll have a good life! Related to a Christlike life: When should you criticize your wife? Don’t be an idiot – NEVER! If she criticizes or nags you, just remember you probably deserve/need it. Even if you don’t deserve it/need it, remember President Hinckley’s advice above. So, bottom line: Totally buy into the gospel life -- it's a great structure for happiness and will have great eternal payoffs. Now, relating to the concept I mentioned at the top of this section: Some years ago I finally realized the greatest AND scariest marriage concept of all: My wife’s happiness is almost entirely dependent upon me – I am the central force to either bring about happiness in her, or permit some degree of unhappiness in her. It’s easy to see how that power would be great, but why would it be scary? Because if she is not happy, I have the responsibility to change that but I haven’t always done so, perhaps because it would bite into my own happiness, or any number of selfish, piteous, and inexcusable reasons. So guys, get this: Your wife’s happiness is almost entirely dependent upon you; if you want her to be happy, then do something about it!
Vickie- Listen to the prophet. Mind your budget. Forget yourself and become ONE. This partner of yours is not you, so appreciate your differences and combine together to make strengths.

If you need a little marriage recharge, what's your trick?

Bill-We like to jump out of our daily routine. Go fishing, go shooting, and now that we can afford it better, do bigger things like travel, special events, etc. But we still like things like movies, out to eat, hiking and camping, etc. In essence, get away and get it on. We also really like our peace and quiet -- just hanging at home with no obligations. I realize it is difficult to jump out of your daily routine, but even little things can make a difference – for instance, guys, do some extra house chores or say/do something nice!
Vickie- when we were young Bill went on A LOT of trips so just the reunion was a great boost. Now when we're together all day/everyday there's nothing like a camping trip or cruise!

As you look into the future, what do you see that will help keep your marriage strong?

Bill-We are increasingly focused on our kids and grandkids, but we also spend a lot of time trying to prevent or mitigate inevitable challenges that will pop up due to aging. Oddly enough, staying out of debt and trying to ensure we'll have our home and ability to live with reduced stress helps us continue to enjoy most of the things we always have enjoyed. At some point, one or both of us will have a major health problem, but I think we've proven that we can step up to that challenge. We'll hope, anyway . . . . Perhaps the best answer to the question of what will keep our marriage strong: Keep doing the things that have made it strong up to this point – don’t get complacent, keep working, and be grateful for everything.
Vickie- Realizing how privileged we are and sharing all that we can with others. Appreciating each other, be the helpmate.

What's the secret of a happy marriage?

Bill-Be grateful, be kind, be positive. Think about that for a while . . . .
Vickie- Gratitude. It's magical.

What is a simple marital practice you would share with a friend who may say they are facing challenges in their marriage?

Bill-Certainly, my advice would depend upon the challenges the are facing. However, in my many moments of helping couples with marriage challenges, I almost always recommended these things: Forgive and forget, do one little good thing for the other person, and be determined to press forward. Then when you see a little glimmer of light, jump in the middle of it. Oh: whenever we've had challenges I've been slow to recognize it, so try to be sensitive to the feelings of the other person. That could help prevent a lot of problems. Does that boil down to better communication? Yes, that's a critically important key, but sometimes that (communication) is the problem, so again, when you see a sliver of light, jump in the middle of it.
Vickie- Look beyond now. Look beyond yourself. Remember all the good and victories you've had together. Take time to celebrate the two of you. Be grateful!

THANK YOU!!

If you have any other tips, tricks, testimonials or input you would like to share, please do! Thank you for your time, inspiration and example!

Bill-Seems to me that the number-one killer of young marriages is financial problems. SO: be a full tithe-payer, be frugal, live within your means, plan for the future, lock into a good career or earning mechanism with a solid financial plan. The number one killer of old marriages is boredom (which results in selfishness), so keep it fresh! Take control of your life and your marriage . . . if you don't, other forces will. It's sometimes difficult, but worth it!
Vickie- Marriage is the greatest place to practice "submitting our will" in a safe place. That's why we're here on earth, to learn to submit to God's will/learning to sacrifice for the better good. Marriage is the one place every single emotion will be felt. Emotion is the result of opposition/choices. Basically marriage is of God no matter how you look at it. He gave it to us so that we can become like Him. Marriage is the JOY we are to have and embrace and share. I love it and am glad it's eternal! Thanks for "living out loud" CJ! You're one of greatest Fruits!

"Will you name for me in your minds the most divine attribute of the human soul? … Love is the most divine attribute of the human soul, and if you accept the immortality of the soul, that is, if you believe that personality persists after death, then, you must believe that love also lives" (Chapter 15: Experiencing Happiness in Marriage,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay (2011), 143–51).